Shalom!
I just finished my first real week of Rabbinical school. It was so challenging, interesting, and I feel like I'm absolutely in the right place. It's great to know that I'm in school and I'll never have to learn math again. However, even more exciting than that is how much I WANT to be in school--doing this. Sure, it's not all going to be easy and I'm going to have lots of moment of doubt, but this week quieted all the thoughts about wondering if I'm doing the right thing and if I'll survive in Jerusalem without my family and friends (and family like friends-- I miss you Pittsburghers!) No doubt it's hard to be here without the people who I know love me, and it's hard to make new friends, but I'm absolutely doing the right thing. I'm also SO grateful for the support from everyone. A friend said to me, "it's imperative to keep up relationships with people who know you as 'Alicia' so that when you become 'Rabbi Alicia' you have support and people who know you outside of your title." So thank you to everyone who knows me as (stam)"Alicia" or whatever other nicknames you may call me (ie:potato.) I am lucky to have you all in my life.
I'll start from last week.
On Tuesday of last week, the beginning of Elul-- the month before the High Holidays (HHDs for short), we had some workshops on various aspects of the season.
Elul is the month during which we are supposed to work on ourselves, take stock of our year and begin the cleansing process. Last year, Elul was a tough month. We had just lost our dear Bubbe, and things were all upside down. We also found out about our dear friend MJ's cancer returning. I also made the official decision and started the process of applying to my wonderful school. It was a lot. It's hard to do Heshbon Nefesh (literally a receipt of the soul-- aka taking stock of our lives) when one's world has been turned upside down. There was also the question of how to deal with the HHD liturgy. Much of the liturgy talks about "Who shall live and who shall die" and, as with most liturgy, the meaning changed for us as our circumstances shifted. I have always wrestled with the prayer "Unetaneh Tokef," especially the translation in the red "Gates of Repentance" reform prayer book
2
Let us proclaim the sacred power of this day;
it is awesome and full of dread.
For on this day Your dominion is exalted,
Your throne established in steadfast love;
there in truth You reign.
In truth You are
Judge and Arbiter, Counsel and Witness.
You write and You seal,
You record and recount.
You remember deeds long forgotten.
You open the book of our days,
and what is written there proclaims itself,
for it bears the signature
of every human being.
The great Shofar is sounded,
the still small voice is hear;
the angles,
gripped by dear and trembling,
declare in awe:
This is the Day of Judgement!
For even the hosts of heaven are judged,
as all who dwell on earth
stand arrayed before you.
On Rosh Hashanah it is written, on Yom Kippur it is sealed:
How many shall pass on; how many shall come to be.
who shall live and who shall die.
who shall see ripe age
and who shall not.
who shall perish by fire
and who by water.
who by sword and who by beast.
who by hunger and who by thirst.
who by earthquake and who by plague.
who by strangling and who by stoning.
who shall be secure and who shall be driven
who shall be tranquil and who shall be troubled
who shall be poor and who shall be rich.
who shall be humbled and who exalted.
But repentance (t'shuvah),
prayer (t'filah),
and charity (tz'dakah)
temper judgment's severe decree
As I'm sure you can guess, this prayer brought me to tears last year. "Who shall see ripe age
and who shall die?" Did Bubbe not do enough tz'dakah? How did God decide it was "her time" and was she not good enough for the book of life? This was a big struggle!
Rabbi Shelley Donnell led a really interesting workshop on this prayer last week. I explained to him that the text was really hard for me, especially after the deaths of two incredible women who changed my life. Did God plan for this during the HHDs the year before? Is predestination part of our tradition?
After reminding me of the origins of this prayer (it's a poem) Rabbi Donnell suggested I check out the third part of the prayer:
This is Your glory:You are
slow to anger, ready to forgive.
ADONAI, it is not the death of sinners You seek,
but that they should turn from their ways
and live.
Until the last day You wait for them,
welcoming them as soon as they turn to You.
You have created us and know what we are;
we are but flesh and blood.
Human origin is dust,
and dust is out end.
Each of us is a shattered urn,
grass that must wither,
a flower that will fade,
a shadow moving on,
a cloud passing by,
a particle of dust floating on the wind,
a dream soon forgotten.
But You are the Sovereign One,
the everlasting God.
Rabbi Donell made the point that if we look closely here, we are learning people die. That's the one thing all humans have in common when they are born--someday they will die. Perhaps we can look at this prayer as something like: My life may be falling apart around me-- people I love may be dying, there is hunger and poverty and racism and all these things in the world, but God is one constant I can rely on. God is Eternal and when we see everything falling apart we can take comfort that God is still with us (or within us.) We have no control over our fate. I don't believe in predestination by any means, but I surely believe that there are things too big for us to understand. That's why I believe in the Divine--there is some bigger force out there (or maybe within us.)
I also want to note that all liturgy was written by humans (really men) who were seeking to use language and metaphor to describe that which is indescribable. Applying finite words to our Infinite Being is all we as humans can do.
We may also interpret this as "tzdakah, teshuva, and tefila" help us get through the worst parts of life and not avoid them-- like when our loved ones are ripped from our arms before we are ready. I can now look at Un'ntaneh Tokef in a different light. I can really see that my Divine was and is there for me. I can see how I was useful during these hard times. I can see how prayer helped us get through these tragic life events, I can see that I can't control fate and that I may never understand the inequality or injustice in this world. I can see, more clearly than ever, that I must lean into the Infinite because I am only dust-- a finite human.
I hope this puts this prayer in perspective and eases some of the pain you may feel upon its recitation.
I meant to write about my whole week... I'll try to do some of that tomorrow- it's time to go get ready for shabbat! Shabbat shalom, my loved ones-- I miss you and love you.
